JessalynC

**Section:** Getting Along
When she was in junior high, Melissa moved across the country. She was happy to discover that Karissa, a girl just her age, lived right across the street in her new neighborhood--an instant best **//friend//**. They spent a lot of time together at home and at school. Unfortunately, it turned out that age and neighborhood were about all that Melissa and Karissa had in common. Karissa wasn't very nice to people. She even found all kinds of ways to tease Melissa. She said rude things about Melissa's looks, about her family, and about her ideas. She made fun of Melissa because Melissa didn't want to try drinking and smoking. It wasn't long before Melissa was looking for some new **//friends//**. Julianna, 12, says she looks for **//friends//** who "are nice to you. They do things that you like to do, and you can talk to them about anything." Hannah, Jessica, Jenna, Taylor, Tanna, Laurie, Stephanie, and Brianna, a typical group of 11- and 12-year-olds, created this description of a **//good//** **//friend//**: A**//friend//** should be funny, nice, fun to talk to, honest, friendly, trustworthy, and confident. A **//friend//** should also be there for you and have a good attitude. Scott, 11, says that a **//good//** **//friend//** is "not a bully, is never mean, and keeps secrets." Alan, 11, also believes that a **//friend//** should be "helpful in tough situations" and willing to do things with you, even if it isn't always his or her favorite thing to do. **[|Take the Test]** It's easy to think of a list of **//good//** things to look for in a **//friend//**, but **//friendship//** works both ways. If you want to find a **//good//** **//friend//**, it's important to practice being one. So the question of the day is: How do you measure up as a **//friend//**? Do any of the following labels describe you? Circle **//friend//** or fake for each description of some common behaviors. Author Edward Everett Hale said, "The making of **//friends//** who are real **//friends//** is the best token we have of a person's success in life." Being a **//good//** **//friend//**is the first step on the way to that success. **[|Five Secrets You Should Not Keep]** Trust. There's no doubt that it's an important part of **//friendship//**. Everyone needs someone to talk to about private and personal things. But there are five secrets that shouldn't be kept: • Your **//friend//** is pretending to eat at home, but is really just pushing the food around on the plate. You see this behavior at school, too. Also, you suspect he or she is throwing up after eating. This could be the beginning of an eating disorder. • Your **//friend//** seems really upset about the way things are going at home or at school (or for no reason) and is saying things like, "I wish I were dead," or "The world would be better off without me." Your **//friend//** may be depressed or even thinking about suicide. • Your **//friend//** is talking about hurting other people. • Your **//friend//** has started smoking, drinking, or taking drugs. • Your **//friend//** tells you about being touched by someone in ways you know are not appropriate. If your **//friend//** tells you any of these things, or you notice any of these behaviors, your friend could be in danger. Even though he or she might be angry at first, it's important that you talk to your parents, your **//friend's//** parents, or a counselor at school so your **//friend//** can get the help he or she needs. PHOTO (COLOR): A typical group 12366939001236693900 By Kerri Dowd
 * It's easy to list qualities you want a** //good// //friend// **to have, but is someone using a checklist on you? Are you a** //good// //friend//**? Find out here.**
 * 1) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Encyclopedia: You pay close attention to what your **//friends//** tell you and you remember what they like and don't like. You remember that Christa's dog is named Bailey, that Michael hates green peppers, that Shawna's grandmother is sick, and that Ryan's birthday is November 10.
 * 2) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Leech: You really need your **//friends//**. You need their money, their time, and lots and lots of their attention. Unfortunately, you don't give much in return. You borrow things and forget to give them back. You don't have time to listen when they need you. After a while, your **//friends//** feel like you're sucking the life out of them.
 * 3) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Golden Ruler: You take care of things that you borrow. You ask before you touch people's belongings. You are polite to your **//friends'//** parents and other**//friends//**. You pay attention to how your **//friends//** want to be treated, and you treat them that way.
 * 4) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Chameleon: You act nice and friendly when you are around some of your **//friends//**, but you can't be trusted not to talk behind their backs. You promise to keep their secrets, but you slip and tell anyway.
 * 5) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Pushover: You don't complain when your **//friends//** borrow or even damage your things. You go along with whatever they want to do, even when it's not much fun or even right. You think it's more important to please your **//friends//** than to say anything about your real feelings.
 * 6) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Peacemaker: You realize that your **//friend//** was probably having a bad day when you got into a fight last week, and you're not willing to give up a great**//friendship//** over a silly argument. You let it go, or you might even make the first move to get things back to normal.
 * 7) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Dictator: You call the shots. Everyone has to do what you want to do, the way you want to do it. This works for a little while, especially with people who don't like to make decisions, but no one wants to be bossed around all the time.
 * 8) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Competitor: No matter what your **//friends//** can do, you can do it better. If they can make 10 baskets in a row, you can make 12. If they say they got an A on the spelling test, you say you got an A+. If they tell a sad story, you have a sadder one.
 * 9) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Nurse: You take care of your **//friends//**. You're there when they need you. Your **//friends//** know that when they're having a bad or sad time, they can come to you and talk.
 * 10) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Cheerleader: You believe in your **//friends//**. 'You encourage them to reach for their goals. You stick up for them too.
 * 11) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Instigator: You know that some of the things you want to do are wrong and will probably get you into trouble of some kind. But you figure it will be easier to take if you have some company, so you try to get others to break the rules with you by making it sound like they're scared and uncool if they don't.
 * 12) **//Friend//** or Fake? The Critic: No matter what your **//friends//** do, it's not up to your standards. You feel it's your duty to tell John that he missed an easy shot in the basketball game, that Sarah hit a flat note in the band concert, that Justin's new haircut doesn't quite work for him, and that Shae's question in math was common sense.

**--Section:** perspectives Psychologists have long known that having a set of cherished companions is crucial to mental well-being. In addition, a recent study by Australian investigators Lynne Giles, Gary Andrews and Mary Luszcz of Flinders University and Gary Glonek of the University of Adelaide concluded that our chums even help to prolong our lives. The scientists analyzed data from a decade-long survey called the Australian Longitudinal Study of Aging, which was initiated in 1992. It concentrated on the social environment, general health, lifestyle and age of death of 1,477 persons older than 70 years. Study participants were asked how much personal and telephone contact they had with **//friends//**, children, relatives and acquaintances. Researchers were surprised to learn that friendships increased life expectancy to a far greater extent than, say, frequent contact with children and other relatives. This benefit held true even after these **//friends//** had moved away to another city and was independent of factors such as socioeconomic status, health and way of life. What exactly underlies this effect on longevity? Apparently, the scientists posit, it is not merely the mutual buoying of spirits that occurs among associates. What is more important is that the support given and received by **//friends//** is voluntary and pleasurable and not just the result of a sense of duty or convention. In contrast to our own families, we are able to choose our **//friends//**. According to the Australian scientists, the ability to have relationships with people to whom one is important has a positive effect on physical and mental health. Stress and the tendency toward depression are reduced, and behaviors that are damaging to health, such as smoking and drinking, occur less frequently. The investigators speculate that in times of calamity in particular, our support networks can raise our moods and feelings of self-worth and offer helpful strategies for dealing with difficult personal challenges. In fact, the physiological pluses of such social interaction have already been demonstrated and include alleviating cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure and gastrointestinal problems. For example, physiologist and pharmacologist Eric B. Loucks of the Harvard School of Public Health discovered that considerably smaller amounts of a molecule called interleukin-6 circulate in the blood of older men with an extended set of connections than in that of loners. The elevated presence of this inflammation mediator is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease; it appears to favor the development of arteriosclerosis, a condition in which fatty deposits build up on blood vessel walls. In addition to the benefits of **//friendship//** for individuals, our species as a whole has gained from the experience. It seems that social interaction contributed greatly to the evolution of our brain, making it the high-performance organ that it is today. Anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar of the University of Liverpool in England came to this conclusion a few years ago. It occurred to him that brain size and group size seemed to be correlated in apes, our closest relatives in the animal world. The more members there are on average in the extended families of a particular primate type, the larger the cerebrum is likely to be in those animals. Humans, with the bulkiest brains, have the biggest social networks. From this notion, Dunbar derived his hypothesis of the "social brain." According to him, the development of social structures accelerated the evolution of the brain. The reason, presumably, is that the greater the size of the group, the more information the brain must process about each of its members so that the social unit will be able to function. By the same token, the processing capacity of the brain also limits the size of our immediate social circles — to about 150 persons [see box above]. Reasons enough to ring your pal — and perhaps even to renew a few dormant acquaintances from childhood or college. **[|Further Reading]** //• Discrete Hierarchical Organization of Social Group Sizes. W. X. Zhou, D. Sornette, R. A. Hill and R. I. Dunbar in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, Vol. 272, No. 1561, pages 439-444; February 22, 2005.// //• Social Integration Is Associated with Fibrinogen Concentration in Elderly Men. E. B. Loucks, L. F. Berkman, T. L. Gruenewald and T. E. Seeman in Psychosomatic Medicine, Vol. 67, No. 3, pages 353-358; May-June 2005.// //• Effects of Social Networks on 10 Year Survival in Very Old Australians: The Australian Longitudinal Study of Aging. L. C. Giles, G. F. Glonek, M. A. Luszcz and G. R. Andrews in Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, Vol. 59, No. 7, pages 574-579; July 2005.// 12362666541236266654 By Klaus Manhart KLAUS MANHART is a philosopher of science, social scientist and independent author in Munich. 
 * A1.**Dowd, Kerri. "The Good Friend Test." __Current Health 1__ 26.1 (Sep. 2002): 23. __MasterFILE Premier__. EBSCO. [Library name], [City], [State abbreviation]. 10 Mar. 2009 .
 * Want to live longer? Diet and exercise will get you only so far**
 * HERE IS ANOTHER REASON** to call your old buddy to catch up: new findings show that it is not just fun or socially enriching to maintain solid relationships with close **//friends//** — it also helps you stay healthier and may extend your life span.

Circle of **//Friends//**
Your social circles may seem chaotic. But they actually form regular hierarchical structures — in the shape of concentric rings — according to evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar of the University of Liverpool in England. Our closest intimates form an innermost hoop of three or four, or at most five, people. We feel our greatest emotional connection to them, and we share with them common interests, values and opinions. In crises they help us, and they advise us on personal, emotional and financial matters. Generally, we will be in contact with members of our "support group" at least once a week. The next circle holds between 12 and 20. Our relationship with these individuals is less strong, but we maintain a caring mutual interest. The subsequent level contains between 30 and 50; our attachment is considerably looser, although we still have regular, if only occasional, contact. Dunbar believes that this third set corresponds to a band in traditional hunter-gatherer societies. He postulates at least two other loops with even looser relationships. At each step in our growing circle of acquaintances, the number of individuals increases by approximately a factor of three, Dunbar discovered. For example, in many countries the smallest battle unit consists of 10 to 15 soldiers, a platoon of 35 and a company of 120 to 150. This magical maximum has cropped up again and again for millennia. The Roman army's basic unit, the maniple, had 150 soldiers. Today the size of most companies fluctuates between 120 and 150.

--- — K.M.Mulcahy, Lisa. "Doin' the gang hang." __Girls' Life__ 14.2 (Oct. 2007): 34-34. __MasterFILE Premier__. EBSCO. [Library name], [City], [State abbreviation]. 5 Mar. 2009 . **Section:** GUYS **[|FRIENDS AGAIN]** Even if you still have feelings for him, here's the hard truth: You two are no longer dating so now you're just **//friends//**, period. Will you two ever kick it again as a couple? Hey, anything is possible — but that's not where you are now. So casually check in with your ex to make it clear you're cool with hanging in your group as you always have. Try, "I'm going to stick with our crew like glue, and I hope you do too." OK, no need to rhyme. But the point is to let him know it's no biggie in your mind. **[|BE A CREW-SADER]** No doubt news of your breakup is spreadin' like cream cheese on a bagel. No doubt, too, it's weirding everybody out. Your **//friends//** are probably stressing over three things: 1) Are they gonna lose one of you as a **//friend//**? 2) If you both stay in the group, how low will the fun meter go? And 3) should they pretend nothing's happened or what? Cut the confusion with one-on-one chats — making a group announcement is way too intense. Just say to a chosen few, "Jack and I broke up, but I want to stay **//friends//** with him. Don't let this ruin our fun, OK?" Keep the vibe positive and light, and everyone else will too. **[|CRANK UP YOUR COMFORT ZONE]** So, you — and your buds — have perspective now. Still, it'll take time to ease into the just-**//friends//** thing. Try this plan: The first time you're in a group-hang scenario, make it a noisy one (a night at the arcade?). That way, you can just say hi, smile and throw yourself into Galaga. Game night went well? Make small talk with him in the popcorn line on movie night. When he sees you're cool, he'll relax, you'll relax, and you two can actually chat like normal people. Bonus bonanza: Your gang will know there's no crazy crimp in the good times. **[|DEAL WITH THE DRAMA]** Just when everything's peachy, be ready for a stomach-dropping surprise: Jack brings new girl Jessie to your posse's Halloween bash. Even if you're fine with being buds, this can be rattling. But no shooting jealousy rays outta your eyeballs at the happy couple or dragging a pal into the ladies' for a freakout. We're not gonna lie — being normal to Jack and Jessie won't be easy. Think about this, though: At some point, you will bring a new BF into the mix, so why not be chill about it? You can pull this off. Introduce yourself to Jessie or just say, "I love your costume!" Everyone will be in awe of your rock-solid confidence. **[|KEEP THE FUN IN FOCUS]** You've got the right 'tude and made all the right moves — but your ex is having trouble with this. Should you back off of the group scene awhile so he can get his bearings? Uh…no. Never cheat yourself out of doing the activities you wanna do, with whomever you wanna do 'em with. Instead, fully enjoy the fun. Your ex will have to find his own comfort level. If he decides to back off from the group, too bad for him. Hopefully, he'll settle in to the new groove and be a way better guy bud than he was a boyfriend. PHOTO (COLOR) 12362659361236265936 By Lisa Mulcahy
 * You and the BF have called it quits — but you have all the same buds. Can you make do with him in your crew?**
 * Not only were you and your guy an awesome twosome, you were founding members of your good-time gang. So, sure, a breakup smarts — but what's your split gonna do to the crew? Should your** //friends// **pick sides — or should one of you drop outta the posse? Here's how to coexist in peace with the ex.**

Manhart, Klaus. "Good Friends." __Scientific American Mind__ 17.2 (Apr. 2006): 14-15. __MasterFILE Premier__. EBSCO. [Library name], [City], [State abbreviation]. 5 Mar. 2009 .